BECOMING MORE OF ME

I stood on the edge of playing full in for so long. And by full in, I mean up to my potential. MY own measurement, MY own capacity, MY own limitless being.

I have seen the other side of my limits I have placed on myself for years. 

A step away.

Just a jump over an imaginary line I drew in front of me with the words, thoughts, expectations, judgements, fear of others that I invited into my mind, my life. 

Sometimes I would cross that line, but a lot of times I stood behind it telling myself I would take the next opportunity. That where I was, was good enough. That I had such a good life that I shouldn’t want more, other people had so much less. That if I had even more, I would be judged. I would be seen even more as spoiled. The girl who kept having these good things happen to her, the girl that got who and what she wanted. And I had heard that enough in my time.

Then I would turn around and get down on myself because I wasn’t sure where and why I lost that girl that used to say “hell yes” to anything and everything that felt right with my soul. The girl that took what she wanted. She made waves. Lived out loud, independently + without care of fitting into a mold. She was known to break the mold. 

Who was I giving my power to? Why was I shrinking myself?

And what was this awkward dance I was doing on the seesaw with my authentic self on one side + the rest of the world on the other. 

Somewhere along the way I stopped betting on myself + cheered for everyone else.

I played small so others would feel big.

I pretended things sucked so I could relate to others in conversation.

I wondered why I was worthy of so much when others had nothing. So I began rejecting good things.

I made decisions based on what others wanted even though they weren’t what I wanted.

The “should’s” became predominant in my mind.

I listened to the words of others + silenced my intuition. 

I hid my desires, my wants so if they didn’t become reality I wouldn’t be judged.

I stayed in relationships of every kind in fear of hurting the other person, yet losing myself.

I explained, dumbed down, justified my life to others.

I thought because someone else was doing it, that meant there wasn’t room for me.

I felt like I owed something to people, my parents, my family, my friends, partners. 

I thought if I failed then I would have to answer to someone besides me.

That if I was continued to be powerful I wouldn’t be liked.

If I continued to let life and love flow to me and through me in abundance I wouldn’t be accepted.

If any of these sound like you, where you’ve been, where you are.

Then my programs are for you.

Living on the other side of fear.

Living in love.

In freedom.

Defining your life. Creating your life. Living your life. For YOU.

I’ve spent years recalibrating, shifting, learning, transforming my beautiful life. 

But most of all I’ve learned to make it my own.

To live in the simplicity of joy + love for myself.

And I’ve given glimpses of that life to the world but I haven’t fully stepped into it, accepted it + shared it until now. 

I’m off the seesaw + playing on the whole playground.

I don’t play small anymore. 

I don’t feel bad for having too much and others having too little. 

I don’t apologize for what I have created.

I feel. I process. I let go.

I fail so I can learn.

I love myself above all else.

I am my biggest advocate, my loudest cheerleader.

I still give + give with everything I have, but I receive too. And I receive with no exchange, no expectation, just because I am + I am worthy of everything this universe has to offer without conditions.

I fight full out in the ring. Every relationship, romantic, business, friendship, family, I go in at 100%. Embracing that if it doesn’t show up in that one, it will trickle into another. 

I show up for ME.

I know that when I am right with myself, when I am in my highest form, when I am loving me fully + truly, then I am the best me for others. 

Learning to master selfish + selfless as two sides of the same coin.

Becoming more of ME.